Things I learned in Las Vegas

 

1. It is psychologically more satisfying to treat penny slots as really odd arcade games, than as sources of wealth.  If you play with the goal of playing the wacky mini-games, it’s much more fun because you are never going to win anything exciting.

2. You can make a slot machine themed as anything: treasure, ancient civilizations [Egypt, Greece, Persia, Rome, China, Japan, Vikings…], porn, animals, industries, tv shows, movies, food items, and several variations of Monopoly [Space Monopoly?]. For example,  I played dragon and devil themed ones, since they seemed appropriate.

3. Also, I think slot machine designers have discovered people find cats more lucky or less expensive than dogs in the deepest levels of their subconscious, as I never saw a dog slot machine but cats abounded (e.g. Kitty Glitter, Ten Lions, CATS, Hexbreaker , etc).

4. Related:  if you are playing a Star Wars slot machine and you suddenly get the urge to hit the max bet button, DO IT. This is the Force telling you you’re about to get the Death Star bonus, and your $4 could be $40. Don’t listen when the Husband disagrees with the Force.

5. If you are old enough to know the signs that indicate internal bleeding, you are too old to be drinking giant novelty daiquiris full of  blue dye. WAY too old.

6. If you have a con-costume you don’t know what to do with for most of the year, you can wear it on Fremont Street, and tourists will give you tips to take pictures with you. Elvis, I get. Showgirls, I get. But Davey Jones, Darth Vader, and a ninja?

7. Tipping housekeeping is always a good idea. Not only is it the polite thing to do when you’re asking someone to clean up six people’s worth of beer bottles and crumbs, and clean the toilet you yakked in, but you’re likely to score on toiletries:

This ALL showed up one day on that little shelf.

 

8. The difference between 100 F and 105 F is only 5 F…but it feels like the difference between summer and dying.

9. Writing a topless vampire revue seems like it’s really easy. In fact, I could write a whole blog post about the edits I would make to the topless vampire revue. In fact, I will!

10. Someone should make topless ballet happen in Vegas.

11. Also, topless opera. I would pay to see that.

12. Even if you learn all the rules to Blackjack, you will probably still lose.

13. Roulette is really just a flashy way for the casino to take all of your money and laugh at you.

14. When the mini-bar prices start to sound reasonable, it’s time to go home.

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3 Responses to Things I learned in Las Vegas

  1. Sounds like 1) you had fun in Vegas 2) you got to live outside the rules of society, and 3) you’ll soon be suggesting topless writer’s circle.

  2. Ryan Morini says:

    Erin–it’s been a while since we last talked. I’m still working, foolishly perhaps, on a PhD in anthro, and it appears that you are now a published author. Damn. Congrats!

    I’d comment on ‘Vegas, but I’ve got mixed feelings about the place. I’d say I’m ambivalent, save that one of those ‘valences’ isn’t so much the opposite extreme of the other as it is simply the same sense of weirdness that I get going to Disney World.

    But at any rate, I’ll drop you a line soon.

  3. erin says:

    Hey, Ryan! Thanks. Been a while. I suspect it is exactly the same weirdness as Disney World, except I’ve never been to Disney Anywhere (BTW, I do have the same email address, but I’m a little slammed with the current novel deadlines, so I might be slow in the dropping of lines. Feel free to go first…with your copious free-time, Mr. PhD.)

    Bruce–I mean this in the most pure and platonic fashion…If you and Bart want to take off your shirts, I won’t say a word. But if you start charging admission, I’m suing you for stealing my idea. :p